If Jesus was a Gator fan would you become a born again Christian?

Triple G in Trenton, If Tim Tebow and and his intolerant ramblings could somehow bring Jesus Christ down from the heavens so he could hold a press conference and declare himself a Gator fan, I would not only become a born again Christian, I would personally start my own crusades in his name and walk the earth eliminating those who don't believe. "Just when you thought it was safe to think for yourself...Tim Tebow and Jesus Christ team up to continue the defamation of women, homosexuals and anyone who appreciates science." We could be back to back world Jesus champions...now that would be a dynasty.

Why is Drew so kickass? And how can I become just like him?

Number One Fan in Nantucket, You are perhaps the single greatest fan we have ever come across. Your question is the most thought provoking, intelligent, and kick ass question that it is hard for me to figure out where to begin. I guess I am so great because everything I do is great. I believe that the true key to greatness is being great at all times. I find that as long as I continue to kick serious ass by being great, I can maintain my level of kickassness and continue being completely great. If you want to become just like me, start being awesome, amazing, kick ass and great in everything you do and, before you know it, you still won't be as awesome as me. But that's ok, you will still be better than 99.9% of everyone else.

What classes do I have this year?

Clueless in College, I just happen to have your schedule right here. It looks like you are signed up for Hookers 101: An intro to illegal prostitution, Meth Cooking 232: An intermediate exploration in to the exciting world of crystal, Herpes 323: Answering why your crotch won't stop itching, and everyone's favorite, Comedy 624: A study of humor through the world's greatest website, AskDrewNow.com. Enjoy your class load...or any other load that might come along.

Despite my polite objections, my jackass neighbor keeps letting her dog poop in my yard. I'd do something drastic, but her daughter is really hot, and every time I see her when she comes to visit her mom, I just can't bring myself to start a feud with the old battle axe, fearing I'll blow my chances. How can I find a reasonable solution, or perhaps even better, how can I exact my revenge and get this to stop without her knowing it was me?

Angry Neighbor in Anapolis, The solution to this problem is going to make you very happy...and aroused. The key here is not to exact your revenge in secret, but to hit her where it hurts...where it REALLY hurts. From now on you should take every spare minute you have to formulate a plan to get her smoking hot daughter to date you. What worse punishment could their be for her than knowing you are banging her perfect 10 daughter? And what better reward could their be for you than getting to tap that ass out of spite? In time the poop will stop and you will have your neighbor exactly where you want her...and her daughter exactly where you want her (on top of you.) Now that's sexy justice.

I wanna be able to get f-d up in a very short amount of time at night, but not be totally worthless the next day - just functional. What do you suggest?

Hungover in Hartford, The key to what you are trying to accomplish will take some practice and dedication on your part. Take a shot glass, pour half a shot of your favorite liquor or spirit in said glass, grab a straw and snort the entire thing with your nose. It will speed up your "f-d up" process and allow you to still get a good night's sleep. Start slow with a bitch drink like a wine cooler or Zima, this will prep your sinuses well. Then move on to your whiskeys and tequilas...by the time you are snorting Everclear you know you have arrived. But as always, please consult your doctor before starting an alcohol snorting regimen.

Dear Drew,
Like honestly be real with me, is marijuana "bad" for you?

Cheetos Lover in Lusk, The simple answer is no, marijuana is in no way bad for you. In fact, marijuana is packed full of vitamins and minerals. You would have to eat over 12 bowls of Total cereal just to get the same nutrition you get from marijuana. Not only that but after you partake in your marijuana you get additional nutrition when you binge on Taco Bell and Dairy Queen for the next 3 hours. It is a win-win situation...as long as you don't mind buying bigger clothes each week and you think of heart attacks as badges of honor. Hit a baker's dozen and get a free aortic transplant.

Last week I saw what looked like a tall Elvis walking around Harvard with dynamite strapped to his crotch area. I think he was trying to blast off his nuts. Do you think that tall Elvis considering becoming a female just so he can experience penis envy?

Penis Envy in Harvard, I believe you witnessed another sighting of the man known as Smelvis. The last time I talked to him he did seem to show some interest in gender re-assignment surgery, but the use of dynamite never came up. If you see Smelvis armed with explosives again please call the authorities immediately, I can't think of anything worse than a nutless female Smelvis running around...again.

Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?

Good Samaritan in Gaza, Absolutely! As long as they were wearing an official AskDrewNow.com t-shirt...available now in our online store! Homeless and don't have a mailing address? No problem! We can hand deliver your order to your cardboard box or shopping cart! We make sure every customer is satisfied and still breathing. Order now!

List five things you would need to survive, if left alone on a deserted island.

Cast Away in Kuwait, Here are the five things I would absolutely need to survive: 5. Count Chocula 4. Lots of pornography 3. Zotz 2. An autographed photo of myself 1. Whiskey. We live a very glamorous life here at AskDrewNow.com.

If we say, we are here to help others, what are the others here for?

Idiot in Iowa, The truth is that everyone is here only to enjoy and spread the word of how amazing AskDrewNow.com is. There is no more important purpose in life. So have fun and bring back some friends, you know where you can find us.

What was your pet name when you were a kid?

Kid Lover in Kingston, When I was a kid, most people affectionately referred to me as "Ball Water." People would see me walking to kindergarten and say, "Hey, Ball Water, how are you doing today?" All of my friends would say, "There goes that crazy Ball Water again, he's probably up to no good." You see, I got the name from one of my frequent habits. However, I believe that may be a story for another day. Ball Water...out.

If it is illegal to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

Drunk Ass in Dublin, If bars didn't have parking lots, then where would you be able to pick up drunk prostitutes after a night of Jagerbombs and blow. Yes, eliminating parking lots and alleys near bars would decrease the spread of herpes by 167%, but it would also leave you sad and lonely on a Friday night. And just in case this "no parking lots for bars" idea ever takes off, I would invest in any company that makes hand lotion and/or porn.

If Hollywood made a movie about your life, whom would you like to see play the lead role as you?

Movie Lover in Maryland, I don't think there would be any single person more qualified to play me in a movie about my life than a resin cast of Julia Robert's teeth. I can picture it now, those three-story tall gums walking on the beach...the eighteen foot smile creating shade for small squirrels and young children in Central Park...and the glaring resemblance to Mr. Ed the horse while he licks peanut butter off his ass. It would truly be beautiful. "Drew: My Life as a Resin Cast of Julia Robert's Teeth." *coming soon to a theater near you*

Where is the clitoris?

Confused in Cocktown, The truth is that the clitoris does not actually exist at all. It is a myth created by the Johnson & Johnson company to increase their sales of baby oil and personal lubricant. I have literally been with tens of women and I can promise you, none of them enjoyed it at all. If the clitoris were real I'm sure at least one of those ladies wouldn't have left while I cried in to my tube sock. So do not buy in to the hype, there is no such thing as the clitoris.

Do you think Billy Mays is still alive and he is just going to pretend he used a product to bring him back to life and charge 19.99 for it?

Cracked out in Compton, I do...I really really do. We all know Billy could do bumps of coke like no one since George W. Bush, so how in the hell would someone like Billy go down like that? I think he got in deep with the Oxi-clean mafia and had to lay low for a while. Once the heat is off he will come back with the strongest Hercules Hooks known to man. And to anyone reading this who may work for the companies that produce these items, I will let you know where you can send the free samples for plugging your products on the (soon to be) World's Most Non-Ball Sucking and Awesome Website!!

How is Fox News still on the air?

Confused in Tatoine, The only reason a channel like Fox News can continue to exist is it has thrived at being able to dumb itself down to to the level of its target audience. The average IQ of a viewer of Fox News is less than 24 so we are lucky those people can even wipe themselves. But alas, the world is full of simple minded people and until we find a way to get them to all read a book that isn't the Bible, we will continue to have Fox News. I'm just waiting for the day when Glen Beck actually gives birth to Bill O'Reilly's baby and the next great Jewish carpenter is born...what a glorius day that will be. YOU KNOW WHAT, F*CK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE.

I think you three are hot, can we meet?

Turned on in Trenton, Of course we can meet! We don't even mind if you are a male or female, to us it's all the same when meeting a crazed fan! Our only request is that you don't break our legs, stuff us in your trunk and take us to your cabin in the country and make us create videos for you while you cover yourself in turkey gravy. We prefer that you use chicken gravy. Keep in touch!

I recently when to a camp in Iowa named EO-WA-TA, the website said it was a family camp yet after we spent a week there I have no recollection of what happened. All I do remember from the trip was hanging upside down from an observation clinic attached to a volcano giving a reverse rim job to a VCR. Is there any way I could regain my memory and file a lawsuit against this family paradise?

John in Messina, *you were never at Camp Eowata....you were never at Camp Eowata...Satan did not force you to perform unspeakable acts on the VCR....there is no altar in the volcano...soon we will call on you to return to the camp and fulfill the final life engineering prophecy...* So as you can see, you have nothing to worry about. But I would still suggest you go ahead and build your own observation deck in the ditch across the street, just to keep an eye on those crazy bastards.

I recently lost a thumb while I was trying to help some guy out with his tv. I have kept the thumb in a jar of pickle juice, is there still a way to re-attach the digit even though it has been 48 hours?

Laceration in Lancaster, There is no need to re-attach your thumb. Most people don't even use their thumbs, they are mainly just there for show. My advice would be to tape an aspirin to the bloody-nub and get back to repairing that tv. The show, or in this case the repair of the device that broadcasts the show, must go on.

Where does fart gas go if its not expunged from the anus?

Farter in Fremont, Fart gas, if not released through the external anal cavity, is usually absorbed through the walls of the large intestine and released through glandular secretion around the eyes, nose, lips and mouth. That glistening sweat on your top lip...yep...fart gas. Just got home from your afternoon jog and sweaty on your brow?...yep...fart gas. Who knew?